We are not expert parents by any stretch of the imagination (is there such a thing?) but there are a few things that we have implemented in our home which I think have made conflicts less painful and helped us to navigate so many tricky situations in a family which has strong emotions and loud voices!
1. Calm triangle
We decided on a phrase for each child to use when they want to tell us something that they think might upset or annoy us. Austin chose Calm Triangle (accompanied by a triangle hand signal which helps if he is particularly upset and cannot speak). He uses it for any confession, anything that has worried him, or anything he wants to disclose. The point of the phrase is to signal to us parents that we need to keep our own reactions and feelings in check. This has been one of the most powerful additions to our parenting toolbox as both my husband and I are emotional people who can sometimes react in a way that is not helpful to a distressed child.
When Austin uses this phrase, I can brace myself for what is about to come. Austin knows that he will NOT be shouted at as a result of anything he says using Calm Triangle. It allows him to be confident that we will respond calmly and it allows us to be able to respond calmly as we are given a warning. Evelina used to have a phrase but now that she has a phone, we use a different technique – see number 2!
2. Texting
Much like Calm Triangle, when Evelina needs to tell us something difficult (for any reason) she often chooses to send it by text. I have encouraged her to do so, as she can initiate the conversation without an immediate response, choosing her words carefully and allowing her to change any parts that are not expressed correctly. Spoken conversation does not allow this and when we are in a state of emotional dysregulation, we can often misspeak, making difficult situations even worse. I am sure this sounds familiar!
The benefit we have is the same as Calm Triangle – and actually even easier in that we are usually not in the same room as Evelina if she reaches out in this way – so we can get over the initial frustration, anger, fear, etc. and calmly deal with the situation. I am sure that if Evelina had told us to our face that she had smashed her phone, we would have not necessarily reacted very well. Knowing this, she may well have hidden it for as long as possible. Not only would she then have to lie, she would drag out the shame and fear for herself. By giving her a way to communicate safely, it makes it easier for her to let us know if something has gone wrong. A podcast I used to listen to, which was set up by a mother who lost her son to suicide, promotes how we as parents ought to be first responders in a crisis – their phrase is ‘Be a first RESPONDER, not a first REACTOR’. A first responder traiges the situation and deals with it calmly and without heightened emotion. This is easier said than done, though, so using text messages allows us to get into first responder mode.
3. Count from five
It does not happen as much now but there are still times when Austin can get very angry We always used to use a countdown to help him regulate himself but he pointed out one day that counting from three was not enough time. I agreed to count from five and this simple change gave him the time to calm himself.
4. Asking the right question
So many times, if we remember to ask ‘Do you need a hug?’, it can diffuse a tense situation very quickly. That need for connection is often at the root of so many negative feelings. And the hug can remind everyone about what is really important.
5. Say ‘Yes’ more often
I am still working on this but it is all too easy to say you are too busy to play a game or to watch that trampoline front (almost)flip. I know that for many parents, this is just not possible but for me, I know I can do more to spend time with my kids in a way that is fun for all of us. I do not think that I ought to be at the beck and call of my children but I also want to make sure I am seeking out opportunities to connect with them and have fun as it makes all of us feel better when we do.
Notes From My Day 