At seven, Austin has phases of going to bed like a champ and phases of it causing him stress and anxiety. We are definitely in one of those latter phases right now. We seem to be in a separation anxiety phase generally as going to school is also a bit more tricky at the moment. I had already started to try to spend a bit more time at bedtime with him and instead of trying to focus on building his independence with his bedtime routine, I have been trying to be more attentive and present to try to build his sense of security.
Today I was able to chat this over with my therapist who reassured me that this a) was the right thing to be doing and b) that it may just be a developmental thing, or a time when Austin is just needing to feel secure.
I know in the past, bedtime has often been a difficult time with me trying to do ten things while we go through the (sometimes) tedious parts of getting Austin ready for bed. He always wants me to sit on the bath next to him while he is on the loo and, quite naturally I think, I resist doing this. But it is not just because it is a bit gross having to spectate a poop. I also always have this sense of Having Things To Do. This can lead to me dashing around upstairs, tidying, jumping onto the computer to check emails, printing off something for school, checking in on Evelina, etc. etc. and before you know it, I am shouting to Austin to hurry up, to concentrate on what he is doing (he really cannot be doing his best work on the loo if he is also chattering on).
That chattering on, though, is not just noise. It is him seeking connection. If I just slow down, stop multitasking for a few minutes, and actually give him my full attention, maybe going to bed would be a more pleasant experience for both of us. He will not want to hold my hand forever. And he will not want to talk to me so freely forever.
Bedtime this evening was not any earlier. Despite starting at 8pm, he still wasn’t going to sleep until 9.20pm. But it was a lot calmer with a lot more opportunities for connection. We read three books together. He used his new toothbrush with the app. I sat with him for some of the pooping time. I still did a couple of chores during this time but not as many as usual. And the late night did mean he was able to be tucked in by his daddy as Rich came home just as I was saying goodnight.
I still have a way to go to really slow things down and stay present – during the first story that Austin read, I booked a Tesco Whoosh delivery as I realised we needed some bits urgently. And then I put away the shopping when it arrived 20 minutes later. This is not great. But ‘progress not perfection’ is one of my favourite sayings. And I definitely feel like this is progress (which may lead to you wonder how badly I was doing at this whole mama bedtime thing before, if doing an online grocery shop and putting it away during stories is progress!).
This is why this blog can be so useful for me: I can process these moments in a way that I might not think to if I wasn’t searching for ideas to write about, just before I go to sleep. Maybe this is useful for one of you reading too. Maybe you need to hear that it is a good thing to slow down to make time for connection. I know I need to hear it regularly. That word of the year for 2023 keeps coming back as so important. Connection is what it is all about.
Notes From My Day 