Elusive routines

I have written before about my suspicions that my brain is perhaps not neurotypical. I think this is the reason that I have struggled with establishing and maintaining regular routines. This in turn has meant that I have strived for this elusive routine for years, thinking that I was deficient in some way because I wasn’t capable of doing it. I think people who are neurotypical probably cannot understand how I could forget to do things that are so basic and fundamental. How is it possible for me to forget to do things I do once or twice a day?

Even when I was writing my 24 in 2024 list I was still under the impression that I simply needed to apply my attention and hard work to setting up a morning and evening routine. Like after 48 years, I would simply be able to write a list and stick to it.

It has taken me a really long time to accept and understand that this is just not going to happen, at least not in the way that that I had hoped. I thought I would be able to time block my morning, do the same thing every morning in the same order. I thought I would build in time for the things I thought were important to me like journalling and reading. I had read The Miracle Morning and always felt guilty that I wan’t able to get up early and ‘work on myself’ before the kids got up.

The truth is, though, that I am not in the right frame of mind for journalling, reading, affirmations or movement. I cannot use my phone to track my routines and I cannot use time blocks. What I can do instead is be there for my kids. This sounds pretty obvious – I am mum so I should be doing this. And I was doing this before. But I had been trying to establish a routine for myself that would sit around those morning tasks that need doing instead of making those tasks the focus of the morning. I would also waste a LOT of time on my phone while having my morning cuppa – now I have changed the downtime setting on my phone’s screen time so that, except for basic apps and the NYT game app (so I can Wordle!), I don’t have any of my apps working until 8.45am. This means that I don’t inadvertently fritter away 30 minutes of my morning on Instagram.

As soon as I adjusted my expectations for my mornings, I stopped caring about SAVERS and acronyms like this (5am Miracle Mornings don’t always work for night owls with kids, if I am honest) and instead started to really lean into my mum duties.

This change has not happened all at once. In fact, I only really realised I had established a routine of sorts this morning when I was actually paying attention to it (yesterday I happened to re-read my 24 in 2024 list and this is what prompted all of this pondering). A while back, Austin had been struggling with his behaviour at home time and I wondered if he was simply starving hungry; his then-dairy free diet meant he was having rubbish dinners at school and his oat milk breakfast was giving him tummy ache (we didn’t realise this at the time, of course). He clearly needing a better start in the morning, so I started making him a hot breakfast and switched him to packed lunch. It worked. So I kept doing it.

However, Evelina was still making her own breakfast and lunch. Her recent dizzy spells meant we had blood tests (nothing wrong there) so I wondered again if she was just not fuelling herself properly. Her own packed lunches were paltry and her breakfast was a rushed bowl of cereal at best. I put my foot down about doing it for her and she very quickly showed me how happy she was to be not doing it herself. I think I had been so proud of her independence, I didn’t stop to think if it was the best thing for her. Now this is what our mornings look like:

7am alarm – get straight up to make sure that Evelina is awake. Wake Austin also as he gets cross if I let him sleep in!

Go downstairs and make a cuppa. Start making breakfast for the kids. For Evelina, this is currently a cream cheese and smoked salmon high protein bagel with blueberries and strawberries. For Austin is it some kind of egg breakfast: french toast, scrambled egg and salmon, fried egg all with sliced banana. Both kids have a glass of water. I get that to some of you this seems like a lot of work while to others, it seems like the most obvious thing in the world.

While the kiddos have breakfast, I make packed lunches and fill water bottles.

7.40am Evelina leaves for the bus. I play hangman with Austin or look at The Week Junior while he finishes breakfast. I then go and get ready. Fill in his reading record if needed.

8.25am Shoes, coat and bag on. Leave for school.

You might notice that Rich does not feature in this morning really. Either he is already gone for the day, leaving early for London or elsewhere, or he is having a slower morning which he needs as another night owl. My current part-time work allows me to pick up the mornings as I know when I get back from dropping Austin off, I will have time to have a leisurely breakfast and get ready properly for the day.

My evening routine is again not an Instagram-worthy aesthetic set of actions. However there are a few things I am doing now to make sure that I am looking after myself better and also to make sure the mornings are as calm and smooth as possible.

• While Austin gets ready for bed, I get out his uniform for the morning. This is a good failsafe moment as if we don’t have enough clean uniform, I still have time to get the washing done. Almost always we do have clean uniform but I hate having that stress in the morning and sending Austin to school in a sponged off school jumper or trousers!
• While he is reading in bed, I do something to help me get ready for bed. Whether that is getting into my PJs (if I have already walked Harper) and / or washing and moisturising my face (try to get some kind of skin care going after 48 years of nothing).
• I brush my teeth before bed, of course, and I usually read on my Kindle (I don’t need my reading glasses as I can adjust the text size like the old lady that I am). I still want to get some journalling done here – I think bedtime is so much more likely than in the morning as I usually put off going to sleep. My phone downtime is at 11pm so I can’t use my phone after that except to listen to an audiobook (sometimes I do this instead of reading).

This is it. It is not what I thought I wanted. There is no ritual that I thought would grant me a guaranteed good night’s sleep. The changes to my phone use have definitely been the biggest improvement to my wellbeing – it is something I am so worried about for our kids and something I know I need to watch with myself. My neurospicy brain seems to lack dopamine so that phone is particularly attractive as a source of quick pointless dopamine hits. Taking back a bit of control is definitely the right way to go.